On May 1, I celebrated another birthday. This birthday wasn't a big deal, not that there's anything wrong with a relaxed experience; and, I am grateful for the ways I was able to celebrate my life. It kind of just... happened... after a rough series of weeks.
Before the Lily-of-the-Valley
March 2022 was difficult for me. There was so much uncertainty and (continued) mourning of trivial things that all I could do was bulldoze my way forward with things I had some control over. My anxiety levels were high and so was my blood pressure. Basically, March's madness permanently impacted me in negative ways that I'm still working through now. It was the right conditions for things to spread aggressively, much like one of the flowers of my birth month. By the time April rolled in, I was on autopilot, emotionally prickly and experiencing new levels of exhaustion due to receiving a puppy. I got up almost every day last month wondering just how much more I'd have to do and be for everyone but myself.
And now, the Hawthorns
There is hope, however. I hadn't lost all of it, but it was hard to give hope room to grow. It's taken a lot of time to reframe my way of thinking about disappointments, setbacks and various aspects of my wellness. I've realized that it's a reoccurring theme of my internal battles. I don't immediately fall into a depression. Instead, I spiral into anger. I become explosively angry because I have invested energy in sorting out a path towards (assumed) success, as well as my preferred alternative routes in the event my initial steps don't work, and none of it works out how I've planned. I skip over a host of other emotions and go straight towards rage.
This is an ongoing thing to get over. It's something I held in shame, as privately as possible, unless the anger's been witnessed. Now, I share it with as many people as I can so that I can grow up. Just because I've celebrated another birthday doesn't mean that I've grown out of some unfavorable habits.
There's hope, nonetheless.